Riding a raid: How To Be A Lamer – A Professional Noob Guide.

Lamer's Guide

With the growing number of lamers and noobs playing World of Tanks, it has become necessary to write a guide on how to be a high ranking lamer.

Warning :- This page is rated PG13. If you’re under 13, please click on this link to be taken to a cartoon site. If you’re offended by profanity, or by lame remarks, then please click on this link to be taken away to a good cause.

If you’re still reading this, then please be warned that this page may contain profanity – in simple English, bad words. If you’re offended by it, or find it in bad taste, then please exit this page now.

Now with the formalities out of the way. And if you’re still reading this. Well then, welcome to the lamer’s guide. This page is for you – the lamers and noobs who whine about anything and everything.

You will find the top tips and strategies listed here to guide you on how to piss off your team mates, spoil the fun for everyone else, blame others, and make some people mad in the process. I also accept user submissions, so you may contribute with your own lamer comments.

Let’s get started...

Fact number one. It has changed much from the time World of Tanks was in beta mode in 2010. The players were a more matured bunch, respectful of each other and showed good sportsmanship in every battle. These days, its hard to pass even one single battle without someone whining, cursing or making stupid remarks.

If you don’t believe me, then try this test. When the battle timer is counting down – try to ask a stupid question such as “What’s the plan?”.

You will receive stupid answers like “To win”, or “Kill the enemy”, or “don’t die” to some other assortment of silly answers. Such is the mentality of players these days. Its true, “What’s the plan?” is a stupid question to an unorganized team that’s playing together for the first time. But it’s a valid question. The plan can be for mediums to take the hill. Arty to cover town, or heavies to roll down the death valley, or to split into two forces and push, etc.

These days there are just as many noobs in Tier 10 Maus as there are in tier 5 Panzer IV. So don’t think that just because he’s high tier, therefore he’s also high skilled.

Ok, enough bashing. So here’s a couple more top lamer strategies to rub it in and may you be the ultimate noob in World of Tanks.

Rushing Into Enemy Base and Suiciding

In the name of scouting. Get Set… Ready… Go… powwww, watch that scout go… rushing into the enemy base trying to get killed before the timer hits 30 seconds. There’s a term for it too – “suiscouting”.

The objective really is to light up the whole enemy team and die in a blaze of glory.

And since you know that scouts are light tanks, you probably noticed you're at the bottom tier - up against heavies, and mediums who are tougher than you. Some of the comments you can make are :-

Staying alive and providing reconnaissance for your team in the mid to late game is not important. Finding and killing enemy arty is also not important.

Blame Arty For Stealing Kills

Its always arty’s fault. Whether they’re friendly arty or not – as long as you’re not having a good time – then arty’s at blame.

If you’re trying to kill a tank, and your arty helped you by killing it for you. Then you should return the favor and blame them for stealing your kill. Some of the suggested comments you can make are :-

Blame Arty When You Die/Lose

No matter how you died. Whether you died by enemy arty, or got killed by someone else. When you die, or when things aren’t going well, a good strategy is to blame arty for it.

If killed by enemy arty, then send a message to the enemy arty like this :-

“FU arty. Coward”.

If you got killed by someone else, or if your team is losing, then blame your own arty like this :-

Actually its better to take it even further. To be safe, just blame arty for everything.

If your arty has no kills – then he’s a noob. If he have a lot of kills, then he’s plucking easy fruits.

Blame Your Noob Teammates

Even before the game ends, and before the outcome is certain, you can start the blame game. The prerequisite is you must be already dead, otherwise you will be too busy controlling your tank.

You see, whenever you die, its because your team mates didn’t cover you. They were noobs sitting in base, or noobs rushing to enemy base, or noobs attacking, or noobs defending, or just noobs.

On your team, you’re the only good player. You rushed forward, and died in glory. You did a good job – but your teammates didn’t. You’re just unlucky you got a noob team.

Insult your team members by saying things like :-

Shoot Your Team Mates in the Back and Score Some Team Kills

Just for the fun of it, it is recommended to shoot your team mates in the rear. This allows you to test your gun to see if its effective at causing damage. Every once in a while, go berserk and start rampaging and shooting at all your team mates.

If you do a decent amount of friendly team damage, you will be rewarded by being colored blue. Do that twice in a row, and you will be further rewarded by being banned from the game.

No worries, this works like a charm and is guaranteed to piss off your teammates.

Make Some Sexist Remarks or Racist Remarks

If you want to piss someone off, and your efforts at pissing him off is not paying off – then you can make some sexist remarks or talk about their mother, father, sister, grandmother, or something like that. You can prove how childish you are by some of these suggested remarks :-

Racist remarks work well too – you’ll know its magic has worked when he hits the print key, and reports it to support to have your account banned.

Hide Behind Arty

Everybody loves the tank destroyer or heavy tank hiding behind arty. Let your arty defend himself, while you cower behind him. Arty have a big gun, they can protect you. And if arty dies, you can use the large hulk for cover.

Close Your Eyes While Driving

There is no horn in World of Tanks. The ability to honk is long overdue, so hopefully the developers will implement it soon. But in the meantime, you can improve your driving skills by closing your eyes while driving. You'll know you have collided into someone when you hear a metal clanging sound. After that you can open your eyes to check if you've received some of these messages :-

Did you know light tanks can be used to direct traffic? At the start of battle, while everyone is driving out of base - just drive in front your ally, and then stop. Or you can get in the way by ramming his side or rear to irritate and slow him down.

Going Solo and Attacking Alone

Forget about team play. This is a free for all. Going individually has its benefits because when you kill more enemies, or do more damage, you gain more experience points and credits. Going solo and attacking alone brings the best rewards.

At every chance you get, go alone, attack alone and ensure no teammates are nearby.

Camp and Hide When You Should Attack

Camping is a very clever strategy to steal kills, while staying safely behind cover. This is especially recommended for light tanks, and medium tanks. Hide in a bush, or behind some rock where the enemy cannot see you. Let your teammates fight in the frontlines while you camp and take sniping shots where possible.

Watch your teammates die, then laugh at them while you get all the kills. After that the enemy team will come for you – but that’s alright. Your objective has been achieved – and that is to piss off your teammates.

Camping however is not suitable for tank destroyers or arty. Tank destroyers should do the opposite. They should rush and attack. Tank destroyers like JagdTiger have big guns, and can be driven like medium tanks. They can rush up the hill and wrest control of the hill from enemy Type 59s.

As for arty, assume a forward position, in front of your base defenders. It gives you better visibility and attack chances.

Scouts should just hide behind in base.

Curse the Wallet Warriors

If you see any of your teammates driving premium tanks, you can curse them by calling them “wallet warriors”. This is best done when the timer is still counting down, so you may something like :-

Be prepared to watch the responses – but its guaranteed fun.

Everybody Go in One Direction

This strategy requires some luck and coordination. It doesn’t always work out, but when it does, it can be quite fun. In this strategy, all the players should go in one direction. There’s no need to protect arty, no need to protect base.

For example, everyone can take the west road, while leaving the center and east approaches completely open. The reason is because the enemy is too lame to know you’re lamer than him.

Shoot Your Ally While Capping

In order to win the Invader award for yourself, you can shoot your teammates who are also capping with you. Preferably do this at the 99% mark. This strategy is proven to work when an ally KV-5 shot and killed me while we almost capped the base at 99%. The meter dropped to 33%, and a few seconds later, an enemy King Tiger and Type 59 came and finished off the rest of my team.

We lost, but no one can deny the KV-5 used an excellent lamer strategy.

The Ultimate AFK Strategy

AFK means "away from keyboard". World of Tanks players have been using this strategy with great success for a very long time. Every now and then, after you've started a battle, just get up from your seat and walk away. Walk around your room, or go to the toilet and take a piss - even if you have no water to pass, you still can go to the toilet, look in the mirror, and comb your hair.

Your teammates will realize that you're AFK. Don't worry, they will cover you and protect you while you're away getting that much needed break. Some other things you can do improve your AFK skills are to polish your nails, call your girlfriend, start up a skype chat, play with the dog, or fall asleep.

The Ultimate Anti-AFK Strategy

Any player who uses the Ultimate AFK strategy, can be countered with the Ultimate Anti-AFK strategy. In this strategy, once you have detected an AFK, circle around him and damage everything he has - tracks, gun, engine, view port, fuel tanks. There's a good chance he'll actually come back to find himself in a severely crippled tank.

Heavy Tanks, High Tier, But Fight Like a Lamer

If you want to be a lamer, you have to fight like a lamer.

Heavy tanks, especially tier 8-9 heavies such as King Tiger, E-75, IS-3, Lowe and so on. When in a dogfight, position yourself so you expose your rear and side armor to the enemy. The best is to expose your broadside, so the enemy have the best chance of hitting your engine and setting you on fire.

Also if there are multiple enemies attacking you, move your heavy tank forward to expose yourself so they can all attack you together. This will draw enemy fire away from your teammates because a heavy tank like yours is indestructible.

And a special for Maus and E-100 lamers. If there is open ground, and you know there is tier 8 enemy SPG, such as the deadly Object 261, T92 or GW Type E - just drive out to the open field, sit at the open field and shoot the enemy.

Tier 8 SPGs take a long time to aim, so please stand still to give them the best shot to land their 180mm, 203mm and 240mm HE shells on your hull.

Remember if you die, there are so many reasons. You can blame arty, blame your teammates, you can even blame MM.

Conclusion

World of Tanks, just like any other online game needs noobs and lamers to spoil it for everyone else. If you see a lamer, please point them to this page so they can improve their laming skills. This page is dedicated to lamers.

Taken from: http://www.worldoftanksguide.com/guide-lamers-guide.shtml

I am posting here to help to propagate this great text

terça-feira, 18 de junho de 2013

How To Be A Lamer – A Professional Noob Guide.